I sometimes get bored with the same old routine. I want something to surprise or impress me. I fall in to the lull of every day life. I do love school and enjoy it very much; but, it's so much time out of my life that it gets tiring as of late. I am tired of feeling like I'm just going through the motions. Since drama hit the school scene, I've felt a sort of numbness concerning the social aspect of school. Tara is the only one I talk to, which is not a bad thing; however, I feel I have developed an unhealthy level of defense when it comes to everyone else.
I just realized today that it has been 8 months since I have had a boyfriend. To you, that may not seem like much...but coming from a girl who had a boyfriend all the time through middle school, high school, and even college..with the largest break between serious relationships being 1 month! This is ground breaking for me. I feel a strong sense of independence and strength in that. I am slightly worried that I have overcompensated because of all the belittling and criticizing that happened in my last relationship. Perhaps it has left me calloused. I worry about that sometimes...that I won't find the imperfection to complete me because I don't want imperfection. I feel like even if I did meet or even the ones I know right now that are perfectly good gentlemen.. I feel like I just force them away. I'm not sure why I do that, but I'm trying to focus on letting God have my heart. It's becoming more apparent to me that I haven't even fully given Him my heart. Maybe that is the answer to my conundrum...
I hope that tomorrow I am inspired.
I hope that my smile is contagious.
I hope that God's love is obvious.
I hope that my heart is obedient.
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