extraordinarily ordinary

I like change. I change my hair very often. It's been all sorts of colors, cuts, and style. I like to change my style, my decor, just the things I see. I like to try new foods and pick up fads. Part of who I am is just being ever changing.

The one thing that hasn't really changed about me is that I want to be loved and accepted for who I am. Who doesn't? I don't consider myself like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. haha.. I don't even like eggs all that much.

The most important love I have in my life is that love that God gives me. If I seek Him at every turn, I know that even my mistakes will turn out to be used by God. I've just recently figured out that I am a normal young adult. And I am ok with that. For the first time in my life...I am perfectly comfortable with being extraordinarily ordinary.

I hope that all of you out there in the world who aim to be different can realize that we are all insecure. We are all imperfect. And we are all beautiful in our imperfections and insecurities. Sometimes...to need someone is just as important as being needed. Feeling useful.

If we were perfect, we wouldn't need each other. right?

Life's Biggest Questions

I am 21, probably struggling with the same things that you are struggling with right now. None of us is so different than the other.. right? Well, I feel like I have a quality that few hold. I know I'm not the only one, but I don't know many others like me in this aspect. Except my mother.

I want to do everything. I want to do way too much with my life, but I can't help but want to do all of those things. You may be thinking that isn't so different from yourself, but have you settled on a major? When I ask that question, I am talking to the people who at least graduated in 007. (yes... double-oh-seven) Well? Most of you have at least narrowed it down to one university I'm sure. I, on the other hand, have been to a total of 4 universities AND I've attended 6 months of cosmetology school and quit. I STILL have no major, no degree, nothing that says I've learned anything. And I STILL don't know what I want to do with my life.

My father feels like I need a career that's going to support myself and my children if we get a divorce.. sounds like dad has a lot of faith in me huh? Well, guess what? I found a great guy who will take care of me and my kids if we have any-I'm sure of it. So, even though I am not entirely sure what I want to do with college. I know what will be important in my life in a couple years. Family. Love. etc..

so, does it really matter that I haven't found my niche? I have too many! I could be an art teacher, a coach, a radiologist, a cook.. anything! So, I am just going to follow my heart and my dreams and stop beating myself up so much about not knowing where I will be career wise in a couple years. I decided that I just don't have to know. And, that.. that makes me very happy.

Nirvana

No not actual nirvana, yet I feel like something has been made very clear to me. My destiny. My true path. Now, I'm not telling you yet, but I am headed straight to it. You will hear from me soon...

on this day Nov.13.the 12:00 hour I decided to pursue my passion.
Thanks to these people:
Cory Payerli
Dawn Harris
Willie M Sanchez-Gotopo
Sean Thomas Evans

impact

Something has happened to me that has never happened to me before. Death. No, not my death. Might as well be though.. My ex boyfriend died in a car accident. October 9, 2010. Strangely enough, I still haven't quite dealt with the grief. I had never experienced a death of someone close to me, so I didn't know what to expect of my feelings. A good friend of mine just recently lost their best friend. So, now, I have someone who can relate. It's such a sad thing. It really put life in to perspective for me... or maybe it just screwed it up. I don't really know for sure, but I do know that life here is short. It's even shorter if we don't care.

The truth about my testimony

Any of you grow up in sheltered homes? Once you got out in to the "real world" you looked back and felt that you were owed a life that you never had the opportunity to embrace? Did I think I was the only one who felt this way? no. I know better.

Today my mom and I were talking and we brought up my testimony. It was interesting, because we both remembered me saying in high school that I didn't have a testimony. Well, I sure thought that because I had never "experienced" anything. I thought I had to overcome more before I had a testimony worth telling.

At what cost does one reap this.. testimony?

I paid dearly, almost with my own life.

Now, I won't go in to detail about why that is the case. The point is: It's not worth it. After having gone off the deep end and wandering around in a dark spiritual wilderness, I have one thing that stands out in my mind in particular as a lesson learned. What is interesting, is that I never spoke this realization out loud until today in mid conversation with my mother. I turned and said to her,

"Mom, I wanted to experience things, but what a greater testimony that one walks in faith."

Ain't it the truth?? I am in no way knocking anyone's testimony. I am speaking to the people like me right now. The ones who felt like they were owed a life or owed experience after getting out on their own. I am speaking to the ones who got caught up in the vicious cycle. The ones who knowingly went..there. It's never too late to get back on the right track. You are going to fail. Every day. And it's ok, His grace is sufficient.

So, the truth about my testimony.. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth disappointing my parents. It wasn't worth making my family sick with worry. It wasn't worth walking out of God's sight. It wasn't worth the potential of losing my own life. It wasn't worth the permanent damage, to my mind, my body, my spirit, my emotions. Had I stayed in God's light.. where I knew I was supposed to be. Where I was guided. Where I felt life. I wouldn't have the scars that remain on me today.

Bruised Knees

I prayed for a long time today. I am being severely torn down. So much that it has made me just want to quit. But I've never finished anything in my life it seems. Except that baconater from Wendys the other day. *puke face* Though I am treated unfairly and poorly in my current situation, I have decide that I am going to push through, instead of running away. ... Like I usually do. So, in order for me to get through this, I know I need Gods help, in a huge way. It is out of my human nature to want to persevere such suffering. Yet, today I havedecidedto consider it joy! I am on my knees, literally, every day forward. I once met a man whose knees were black and permanently bruised from kneeling in prayer. What a testimony.

Sandpaper people

My life is like that of a confused teenager in middle school who is struggling to fit in or even to just be invisible. Either one is better than being picked on by the mean girls in school. Why is a 21 year old still dealing with this kind of behavior coming from other "adults" ?

As I listen to others' stories and what not, I realize that we never grow up. None of us do. We just take on more responsibility and make "grown up" decisions. Most of us, though we are in our 20s or even 60s are still dealing with the same destructive behavior.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, but it doesn't seem fair. Yeah I got the news flash that life isn't fair. You don't have to remind me. I just can't seem to understand these mean people. They are literally un kind. I have encountered many in my life time, as you have. I am here to tell you that it doesn't get any better with age. If anything, it gets worse. Because instead of bickering and badgering about juvenile things, they are poking at you for very adult things.

I like to call these people Sandpaper People. They always have a problem with someone. Even you. What did you do wrong? Do you even know what you did wrong? I know I don't know. I have no idea what I have done to make these people so angry at me. -They are mad at everyone. Even the people they are friends with, they will turn on them eventually.

These abrasive personalities come from their own insecurities. Sandpaper people will only continue to be abrasive. Get this:

What does sandpaper do to wood?
makes it smooth.
shapes it.
removes rough spots.
Don't you agree that is what sandpaper people will do to you?

I know it sucks, and it's hard to live with this kind of person. I am encouraging you to keep going and give these people an opportunity to shape you. I am not saying you have to like them or give them unwarranted respect. I just think that you can have piece of mind knowing that you are a better person now, and you will be an even better person after overcoming these people.

I hope that if you are reading this, and there are bullies in your life, that you get comfort from these words.