Bruised Knees

I prayed for a long time today. I am being severely torn down. So much that it has made me just want to quit. But I've never finished anything in my life it seems. Except that baconater from Wendys the other day. *puke face* Though I am treated unfairly and poorly in my current situation, I have decide that I am going to push through, instead of running away. ... Like I usually do. So, in order for me to get through this, I know I need Gods help, in a huge way. It is out of my human nature to want to persevere such suffering. Yet, today I havedecidedto consider it joy! I am on my knees, literally, every day forward. I once met a man whose knees were black and permanently bruised from kneeling in prayer. What a testimony.

Sandpaper people

My life is like that of a confused teenager in middle school who is struggling to fit in or even to just be invisible. Either one is better than being picked on by the mean girls in school. Why is a 21 year old still dealing with this kind of behavior coming from other "adults" ?

As I listen to others' stories and what not, I realize that we never grow up. None of us do. We just take on more responsibility and make "grown up" decisions. Most of us, though we are in our 20s or even 60s are still dealing with the same destructive behavior.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, but it doesn't seem fair. Yeah I got the news flash that life isn't fair. You don't have to remind me. I just can't seem to understand these mean people. They are literally un kind. I have encountered many in my life time, as you have. I am here to tell you that it doesn't get any better with age. If anything, it gets worse. Because instead of bickering and badgering about juvenile things, they are poking at you for very adult things.

I like to call these people Sandpaper People. They always have a problem with someone. Even you. What did you do wrong? Do you even know what you did wrong? I know I don't know. I have no idea what I have done to make these people so angry at me. -They are mad at everyone. Even the people they are friends with, they will turn on them eventually.

These abrasive personalities come from their own insecurities. Sandpaper people will only continue to be abrasive. Get this:

What does sandpaper do to wood?
makes it smooth.
shapes it.
removes rough spots.
Don't you agree that is what sandpaper people will do to you?

I know it sucks, and it's hard to live with this kind of person. I am encouraging you to keep going and give these people an opportunity to shape you. I am not saying you have to like them or give them unwarranted respect. I just think that you can have piece of mind knowing that you are a better person now, and you will be an even better person after overcoming these people.

I hope that if you are reading this, and there are bullies in your life, that you get comfort from these words.

My Unrequited Love Situation

She's in love with the moon and it's terrain
but in the sky it must remain
she says bend down bend down and kiss me
but he stares back blankly

there will come a day for you
some day he will love you too
if you just wait...

she's in love with the wind and it's cool breeze
the way it dances and shakes the trees
she says take me take me far away
but on the ground she stays

I know how much you yearn
for the love to be returned
just wait..

she's in love with the sun and it's light
the way it makes everything bright
she says light me light me up inside
don't let anything hide

You've waited for so long
but he never came along
don't wait...

so run with the wind
in to the sun
go tell the moon
that he is the one

with the sun on your face
over the brim
he will feel the embrace
reflect on to him

What fills your blank?

Am I the only one who feels this insecure?

..didn't think so.

I find my self displaying more confidence on the outside, but the more I do the less I have on the inside. Funny how that works. Well, not that funny..
what's even funnier is how when you think that you have what you want. Finally, right? But, then you realize that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

Why do I do that? I know I am just like every one else. Why do we do it?
"I would be happy if I just had...."

Fill in the blank.

a car
a dress
a pair of shoes
a boyfriend
a hair style
a tan

what fills your blank?

We rob ourselves of our own happiness when we live like this. Sure, there is lots of neat stuff out there and romance is a most commercialized idea in America. I don't intend to sound preachy.. as these are just my thoughts and subtle opinions. I just really think that so much sadness could be cured if we could cure ourselves of the need to fill in our blank. We need to let God fill the blank and the rest will fall in to place. Amen?

Amen.

Flutter By

Today, an extraordinary thing happened upon me..

I was working on a song during one of my breaks. The song aches for a sign from God that is more than a whisper. As I was singing:

"would you send a sign to me? Oh, God help me believe"

A butterfly, orange. Similar to a monarch, but smaller. It fluttered up to my strumming hand and landed on it. As it lingered, I took in the awe of the trusting creature. It was so wild and free. I wished I had a real set of wings to join it in the magnificent act of flight.

Soon after that thought, I began to realize the true magnificence of the situation. At that moment, the butterfly flew to my capo that was placed across my strings. As if a prompt to play.

So, I played.

The butterfly sat there for the remainder of the song and fled when I moved to pack my guitar away.

At this moment, I looked up the butterflies native to Arkansas, and I found the exact butterfly. It was the American Snout. What an adventure for that butterfly. Moreover, an adventure for me.

So, is this a sign for me?
could be..
Will I ever know?
maybe..

Vitalmins

I realize that I am not the only one on the planet that could want more minutes in my day. I just think that it would benefit us all if there were more to spare.

Every minute is vital.

Every minute counts...and seems to keep counting even faster than the day before.

Since every minute is so valuable, I have been thinking a lot about spending them more wisely. I don't have many to spare. I am in class or work 50 hours a week. (plus 5 hours a week of driving) plus.. whatever amount I sleep. Which will hopefully be changing soon!

Tonight, I bought some vitamins. looked at some new exercises. and I'm going to bed early so that I can wake up earlier. Squeezing exercise in to my day won't be cake at all but it may be a walk in the park hahahahaha. I love how that just flowed out of my mind and made me laugh all at the same time.

I hope my new little resolutions help me get off to a better start in the morning so that I feel more energized. :)

Wish me luck making my minutes more vital!

Waiting for the gun shot

I am starting to see some of the pieces that will make up the big picture of my dreams. It's a great feeling.

Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. I never stop dreaming.

I always hoped that I would start to feel things falling in to place. I really feel more like my starting blocks are being formed and ready for me to take off from them.

I can't wait for that gun shot.

The checkered flag..I don't want to race in all honesty. I want to take life minute by minute and digest it so that I don't miss a thing.

You know that boy I met?
He want's to surprise me with something tomorrow.

I am anxious with butterflies.

Don't you see that, we are loved beyond all recognition?
God loves those who wait for Him.
God helps those who call on Him.

I waited.

I received.

Generation Y

My apologies for my preoccupation with other things. I suppose that turning 21 is quite a cornerstone in my generation. It was not all that glitters.. really the more valuable thing was the journey to 21.

Lately, I've been contemplating my generation. Generation Y. or.. Generation Y not? If there were ever a time that the bandwagon was THIS appealing... please tell me. Maybe during Woodstock?..still doesn't compare.

The opportunities our young people and young adults have today are not any greater than before in the sense that there are exciting new things to try; rather, our generation (particularly referring to Christians) has become desensitized. We have become "postmodernized" (yes I made that word up) Meaning that we have become more or less moral relativists. We are not all spineless, the Church itself hasn't lost it's spine in its entirety...it is the individuals.

Now, I know I can't make this a blanket statement for every church, every person, around the world. BUT.. In my assessment of my peers and myself, (I tend to OVER analyze until I can break it down to something I can iterate to others) I have discovered a -fear-. Not a fear of God, mind you. A fear of rejection.

Isn't that a natural feeling of any person?

yes. It is.

We become lost in the crowd, in the excitement. We don't feel like we have a testimony until...we have, been there..done that. I know I felt that way. I know countless souls who hold the same view. My mother even recalls me using these exact words "Mom, I don't have a testimony. I've never experienced anything."

What a tragedy of things I did experience before I realized the pointless endeavor was just wasting my life away.

This is where it comes to a decision. On the side walk? Or off? right?
Off is a drop, but what a view from the top...